All My Future Dates Are Screwed

I came to a very important realization the other day. A friend had posted yet another witty, clever, romantic/vomit-inducing YouTube marriage proposal. Please go ahead and refer to the below video so you can sufficiently be in the same vagina-mode that I'm currently in. Go ahead. You'll enjoy it.

You enjoyed it, didn't you? You know why? BECAUSE IT'S GODDAMN FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO! There's old people lip-syncing. A little kid trying to dance. There is nothing cuter than that. Do you realize how much ass this dude is going to get for this video? I mean.... fuck.... I'm just exhausted even thinking about it.

After I pretended I wasn't severely emotionally moved by that little production, I sat and cursed at my computer screen for a good two minutes. Roughly half the amount of time it took me to watch that entire video.

Why? Because this fucking hipster just hit the uncanny valley of romance. He's just overflowed the cup for all the rest of us guys out there. It's not good enough to just get down on a knee anymore and tell a girl, "Hey, I like you. Even when your tits hit your knees and both of us can't remember which one farted, I still want to hang out with you. Soooo. do you want to spend the rest of your life pretending you don't notice the skidmarks in my underwear?"

I mean, is this what romance leads to nowadays? Because if so then I'm going to need a goddamn marching band, a trained elephant, two of the four members of Boys II Men, and a Corgi just to even get a girl to pay attention to me.

Sorry, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but as a single guy who is out there looking for 'the one', assuming that's even a thing that actually exists. It's probably not. Pretty sure it's not. As said guy, things like these videos (and numerous others like them) leave me in a state of paralysis. I'm already fighting against the Disney-complex for fuck's sake. You know, the idea that every girl who ever existed in your suitable partner range (from the old enough to drink legally to the mid 30s and not completely a hopeless case of cat lady territory -- that's the range) has been conditioned to believe. That every girl is a princess just waiting for her prince charming to come along, sweep her off her feet with a white steed where they ride off into the sunset for their happily ever after.

But we all know about this complex. How couldn't you by now. It's not like you can't go online without hitting an Internet meme with some sassy girl sending you a fucking e-card bitching about it.

In fact, I actually thought we as men might be coming back into the clear of just having to not be total douchehats to get chicks way above and out of our league to want to sleep with us. Think about it: they were so beaten down by bad dates and dealing with selfish assholes that the 'good guys' might actually start getting a shot again.

Nope. Sorry. Still not going to happen. The universe hates us.

Why?

Because here comes all these YouTube videos people send to their girlfriends which they've done entirely with people's hands. You know the one. The one that he made and then sent out into the ethers without telling her, in hopes that it'd go viral and 'finds its way to her'.

I'll jog your memory:

Yes, she got the video. 'Cause I know you were curious. I was. So I looked it up.

But see, this is what has happened. Amazing, charming, creative fuckers like this has changed the game. No longer can you be just witty and good looking (feats in itself). Now you have to go above and beyond. And once you do, once you cross that threshold, she'll be expecting that for the rest of the time you are together. Which means we're going to hit an apex and very soon... if we haven't already done so. A pinnacle. A point where you can not physically go ANY higher. A roller coaster never just stops at the top. It has to rush back to earth at speeds that make lesser men urinate (just a little) onto themselves.

So, my question becomes this... It's not how do I ask a girl out. Technology has made that extremely easy. Trust me. In college I was a total pussy. But that was before Facebook (and, eek, MySpace) came along. But now, oh now I can use the one trait I'm really good at-- writing. And it works to my advantage like a mofo.

No, my question is how do you sweep a girl off her feet without providing her with unreasonable expectations? Because let's be honest, bitch, you ain't getting a picture book YouTube hand-drawn cartoon every damn week. I'm single and already freaked out about how one day I'm supposed to do the greatest proposal that ever existed. Like I have to rent out some island resort, fly her in a private jet where I have to fly her around to all these places where pygmies have written love letters into the sand while a marching band plays on the Queen Mary in the middle of the Caribbean while a pack of trained Corgis do a choreographed dance while wearing wedding rings around their necks (that's the important part).

I'm out of breath just thinking about it. Is it normal to have panic attacks about a future proposal that I'm nowhere even close to having to do? Can these guys just stop? Because at this rate future me is never going to have a shot. I don't even know how to make half of those shapes those people made in the video. And I can't dub-step for shit.

Fuck. I don't even want to ask a girl out anymore. Somehow "Hey, let's grab margaritas and some tacos and I'll make you laugh all night" just doesn't quite seem like it's up to snuff.

However, if that's what you're looking for, maybe you want to go out sometime then?

;)

Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

I have read so many articles on the web about this subject, always curious as to how others felt about it. When I was younger, I would fight to the death that you could be friends with an ex. Now in my mid-20s, I’m just not so sure. For quite some time, I had been in that dreaded “Gray Zone” with this guy, who also happens to be my best friend. What started as a rebound situation grew into something more, but never actually hit the level I wanted. Well, after a year, your cliche “friends with benefits” situation happened -- I fell in love and he got bored. So we had the inevitable “We should stop doing this” conversation. I knew it was only a matter of time, but to say I wasn’t hoping for a change of heart would be a lie. Everyone wants to be the exception to the rule. I was not. So we decided that we would remain friends, because we didn’t want to lose one another or the closeness that we have. In theory, this is great, but in reality...not so much. 

You’re both so scared of losing that other person -- that person you have built this comfort zone with, that person you share all your secrets and feelings with, all your hope and dreams -- that you don’t realize the damage it is actually causing. It’s easy to be the one who ended it. Sure, maybe you get jealous in a “that was once mine” way, but that’s nothing compared to the pain it causes the other when they have to see you happy with someone else. At this point, the relationship becomes a sort-of lie, and an exhausting one at that. One party lying because they don’t want to hurt the other and another lying, saying they are fine, when in reality, they are anything but. 

While this guy and I were talking through everything, I told him that as much as it hurts to say, we had an expiration date. We can carry on for however long pretending it doesn’t exist, but there are only so many outcomes to these types of things. You either: A) stay together and get married and be completely happy, but at this point, we all realize we don’t live in a fucking Disney movie, B) one person lives in absolute misery for an undefined period of time, or C) you are able to find a way to deal, only to one day face the reality that no significant other is ever going to be okay with that type of relationship, and after years of heartache to finally get to this point, you are forced to call it quits anyway. It’s nice to tell one another that if someone really loved you they would accept this type of friendship you have, but come on, it’s not real. 

This whole thing made me think back to the first love of my life. He and I were in this exact situation (yes, I seem to be attracted to guys who can’t commit, but that’s a whole other blog). We were super close, and after the “break up,” we decided to remain friends. It took some time, but I was finally able to move on. Guys and girls came along on both sides, and we always seemed to find a way to deal with it and come back to one another. Well, one day he finally found someone he wanted to keep around. If you know girls, then you know that they can be SUPER jealous when it comes to an ex staying in the picture. One day, she finally gave him an ultimatum: it’s her or me. Needless to say, we no longer speak. Eight years of friendship down the drain. 

Now, I look into this man’s eyes, and listen to his words, but all I can think of is how easy it was for that eight-year friendship to end. All those sleepless nights, and crying into my pillow wishing things were different, and wondering what it was about me that was so terrible that he didn’t feel the same. Do I really want to deal with that again? For what? Just so years later, he too can look me in the eyes and tell me he’s choosing this other woman over me because he’s happy and in love, something he couldn’t feel with me. Am I jumping the gun here in thinking this could never work? Should we look at every situation as unique, and think again, maybe this one will be the exception to the rule? Or should we just learn to face the simple truth that maybe everyone out there is right. Maybe you should just learn to let go and move on, no matter how hard it feels and how life-ending it seems. After the first guy, I never thought I would meet anyone that could make me feel that way again. It took nearly nine years to find someone who did. And who knows? Maybe when I finally let this one go, I’ll be able to find someone who will end all the searching.

Love, Anonymous

Once Upon A Time...

Remember when you were in high school, and you found that special someone you just knew you wanted to spend your entire life with? You met, held hands and  dated for years before finally making the decision to lose your virginity together. It was perfect and romantic, just the way you always knew it would be. Then the day came when the big question was popped. A year later, all your closest friends and family gathered around to watch you and your soul mate exchange vows. Now you live in your perfect two-story Victorian with two kids and a dog playing in the yard, and to think, all on your very first try... oh wait, you don’t recall this? Well, yeah, because it’s bullshit, and that’s not how life happens. Let’s face it, if you’re anything like me, then you lost your virginity to some kid on his older brother's bed while listening to Sublime or something equally romantic, while you were about 4-5 beers in, only to have him not talk to you again for several months because he’d rather date someone with "experience." Then you move on from that heartache only to get lucky enough to have about 20 other people come along to make you feel pretty damn shitty about yourself and break your heart. Ah yes, the real world. Isn’t it grand?

 

Welcome to our blog. We’re a few of 20-somethings just trying to get by and find our place in the world while dealing with relationships, sex, life, careers and everything else the city of Los Angeles has to offer. Here are our stories, thoughts and opinions.

Love, Anonymous