I have read so many articles on the web about this subject, always curious as to how others felt about it. When I was younger, I would fight to the death that you could be friends with an ex. Now in my mid-20s, I’m just not so sure. For quite some time, I had been in that dreaded “Gray Zone” with this guy, who also happens to be my best friend. What started as a rebound situation grew into something more, but never actually hit the level I wanted. Well, after a year, your cliche “friends with benefits” situation happened -- I fell in love and he got bored. So we had the inevitable “We should stop doing this” conversation. I knew it was only a matter of time, but to say I wasn’t hoping for a change of heart would be a lie. Everyone wants to be the exception to the rule. I was not. So we decided that we would remain friends, because we didn’t want to lose one another or the closeness that we have. In theory, this is great, but in reality...not so much.
You’re both so scared of losing that other person -- that person you have built this comfort zone with, that person you share all your secrets and feelings with, all your hope and dreams -- that you don’t realize the damage it is actually causing. It’s easy to be the one who ended it. Sure, maybe you get jealous in a “that was once mine” way, but that’s nothing compared to the pain it causes the other when they have to see you happy with someone else. At this point, the relationship becomes a sort-of lie, and an exhausting one at that. One party lying because they don’t want to hurt the other and another lying, saying they are fine, when in reality, they are anything but.
While this guy and I were talking through everything, I told him that as much as it hurts to say, we had an expiration date. We can carry on for however long pretending it doesn’t exist, but there are only so many outcomes to these types of things. You either: A) stay together and get married and be completely happy, but at this point, we all realize we don’t live in a fucking Disney movie, B) one person lives in absolute misery for an undefined period of time, or C) you are able to find a way to deal, only to one day face the reality that no significant other is ever going to be okay with that type of relationship, and after years of heartache to finally get to this point, you are forced to call it quits anyway. It’s nice to tell one another that if someone really loved you they would accept this type of friendship you have, but come on, it’s not real.
This whole thing made me think back to the first love of my life. He and I were in this exact situation (yes, I seem to be attracted to guys who can’t commit, but that’s a whole other blog). We were super close, and after the “break up,” we decided to remain friends. It took some time, but I was finally able to move on. Guys and girls came along on both sides, and we always seemed to find a way to deal with it and come back to one another. Well, one day he finally found someone he wanted to keep around. If you know girls, then you know that they can be SUPER jealous when it comes to an ex staying in the picture. One day, she finally gave him an ultimatum: it’s her or me. Needless to say, we no longer speak. Eight years of friendship down the drain.
Now, I look into this man’s eyes, and listen to his words, but all I can think of is how easy it was for that eight-year friendship to end. All those sleepless nights, and crying into my pillow wishing things were different, and wondering what it was about me that was so terrible that he didn’t feel the same. Do I really want to deal with that again? For what? Just so years later, he too can look me in the eyes and tell me he’s choosing this other woman over me because he’s happy and in love, something he couldn’t feel with me. Am I jumping the gun here in thinking this could never work? Should we look at every situation as unique, and think again, maybe this one will be the exception to the rule? Or should we just learn to face the simple truth that maybe everyone out there is right. Maybe you should just learn to let go and move on, no matter how hard it feels and how life-ending it seems. After the first guy, I never thought I would meet anyone that could make me feel that way again. It took nearly nine years to find someone who did. And who knows? Maybe when I finally let this one go, I’ll be able to find someone who will end all the searching.
Love, Anonymous
Agreed. Friendships with exes will most likely always have an expiration date, at least to the extent that the friendship might have been. Once either party moves on, it is unrealistic to be that close with your ex because it likely means the new significant other is not satisfying a need that the ex did. Or, at least that is how it will be perceived, thus causing a riff in the new relationship.
ReplyDeleteIt is possible to continue being casual friends--the way that facebook now permits our generation to do--so that we can keep up with each other, but the closeness will have to fade at some point for emotional health.
I remained friends with all of my exes that wanted to keep up. Before I moved to LA, I still hung out with several of them regularly at gatherings.
I think that the degree and intensity of the relationship also plays a major part in the ability to remain friends. For instance, one of my best guy friends back home I dated briefly, but the chemistry wasn't there, so we broke it off. But what's special about that friendship is the relationship we had. I can't imagine that we would be quite as close had we not shared that time together.
Now with my most recent break-up, we are trying to be friends, but we'll just have to wait and see what the outcome will be. For now it's okay, but when he moves on, I'm sure I will see less of him. And it will be sad, but that's a problem for future-me to deal with. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and hope that we can maintain the friendship in some capacity.