It's not you, it's me

Have you ever heard this ridiculous break up line? I certainly have and one too many times.

I’m not big on the lasting relationship front; in fact, I’ve only been with three people that have actually lasted longer than a month. All of them were those “we’re not really dating but we kind of are” type thing to boot. (Yeah, they blow) But at the end of all of them I’ve heard the same shit, “You’re amazing,” “you’re everything I would want in a girlfriend,” “you love sports,” “you let the little shit slide and don’t argue,” “you’re pretty,” “people like you,” blah blah blah.

I definitely bought it the first time (felt bad for the guy being so confused), questioned the second (wait a minute, dejavu?), but by my third go around, come on! Come up with something better guys. I know you all have it in you. I wouldn’t have been into you if you weren’t the slightest bit clever.

After hearing this numerous times, you can’t help but to get a little irritated! It’s just so damn lame!

The guy gets off clean and easy here. He plays on your emotions trying to convince you that he’s going through some emotional confusion and being oh so thoughtful of you. How sweet of him. He spews crap from his lips, believing you’re falling for it. He rambles nonsense that he is being the better person by letting you know it’s his issues that are causing the split, but in reality, he knows as well as you now think…it’s me.

I’m sorry, but if someone was that “perfect” as he claims you were, he would want to stay with you
and allow this perfect person to work through this WITH him and not insulting your intelligence as he hit’s on his next victim. Guys, you need to realize that’s nothing but a slap in the face to us ladies. Have he man balls to actually say why you don’t want to be with the other person… Have the man balls to respect that there are 2 people involved who have FEELINGS and ISSUES…Understand that we are no longer children pretending to fall in love or learning what they think love is…We are adults seeking our “person” and your lame, “it’s me”, only adds to both of our confusion as to who we are seeking and why. If I was so “perfect” once, then respect me and be honest. If you were just looking to get laid all along and used me, admit it rather than continue to blow smoke up the ass you enjoyed at my cost. In fact, if it was just my ass that was “perfect” from the beginning, admit that too..It comes down to RESPECT. You owe it to the life you decided to fuck with. Be a man, come on, think about it… I’m sure here was a reason.

I feel I always have been “that girl,” you know her, the one you just like to fuck but would never actually bring home to meet the parents. In fact, I was once told: “there are girls you bring home to mom and dad and girls you just fuck… you’ll never meet my parents” (yes, one of the top three shittiest things ever said to me. The other two are actually worse but we’ll keep those for a different day).

What puts me there? I have no idea. But maybe if these “lover’s that care so much for me” would ever be truthful I would be able to figure it out.

Difficult to admit, but yes, I’m waiting for someone to finally stop trying to be the good guy and just tell me some truths. By being put in the dark to spare feelings, I’m left with wondering and guessing. I’ve started thinking lately that maybe it’s karma. I can’t lie; when I was a tad younger, I was a complete asshole too. I had my heart broken once and that was enough for me. Instead of dealing with it in a healthy manner like we should, I sought out revenge on every man that would come into my life for the next 8 years. I would make them fall for me and then I would be the biggest bitch you’d ever seen. It was all a game to me. Boys were nothing more than play things. So maybe I deserve the shitty excuses and lack of commitment that I’m getting now. But at least, as I grow up, I have committed to learning from my mistakes. Who knows how that goes, but when Karma is finally done reaping its havoc, I would like to have a normal relationship. I would like to have a first date, because in all actuality, I have never had one that didn’t lead to a bar or another one night hook up. I have never had a guy offer to pick me up, take me to dinner and do all the corny things people do on a first date. I have never had that cliché first night awkward kiss. I have never had that “few days later” call or text saying how much fun it was to meet me and we should do it again. Those are things I once made fun of, and yet, they are the things I wish I could actually experience at some point in my life. I don’t think this can ever happen unless the men are willing to grow up too!

Love,

Anonymous.

I Want A Superpower

When I was younger, up until about the age of 18, there were always a few things in life that bothered me. Among those things were, and in no particular order; high school, not understanding how things worked, girls, having to have a job and most of all  not being able to have a  superpower. You know, the kind of super power where you could read that stunning girl in your classes mind, did she like you or did she think you were a dick. Or the superpower where you had x-ray vision and you could peer through that stunning girls clothes as she sat in class thinking you were a dick…. you got the better of her there buddy! Or the one where you could turn invisible and sneak around watching pretty girls shower or the one where you could control people’s minds getting them to do whatever you want…. As you can probably tell this could go on for the entire blog in itself and most of the superpowers would revolve around girls or getting ridiculously rich, in which case then you get those pretty girls quite easily anyway.
    It was not until college that I realized that I did in fact, have a superpower. Thankfully, this was a superpower that was not going to get me arrested for sexual harassment or placed on the sex offenders registrar for sneaking into girls bathrooms to watch them shower. I have no doubt that if you scour that registrar you will find the Invisible Man in there somewhere. What was this superpower that took me 18 years to find you ask? It was the capacity to speak to girls in an authentic accent, have them hanging on my every word and occasionally dropping their panties.
    I should probably clear up that I moved to America from the United Kingdom (not telling you what part, but not the rubbish southern bit) when I was 18 to study. Up until then I had had success with girls but never on the same level that I was about to encounter due to my new found superpower. Quite literally, girls that I would never have even considered having a chance with, were dropping at my feet. Now I wouldn’t say I am ugly but I am certainly no Brad Pitt, and I know for a fact that it was this intriguing quirky accent that girls were finding so…. alluring, I guess would be the right word.
    It must be said that I was not the only person with this superpower and many of my foreign friends had the same experience with it. Often this ability tended to have the biggest effect on the same girls. A few select girls were known to have found their way into the same circle of guys with this incredible gift. Certain girls were immune to it, to others it was their kryptonite. These girls who were powerless to the accent could often be found in Irish Pubs dragging unsuspecting (wink wink) foreigners to the toilets as their superpower had once again worked its magic.
    One day of the year always yielded better results for me and my fellow men with an accent. March 17th. Mark it down on your calendar. Oh that’s right, it already is, St. Patricks day. It is on this hallowed day that even girls who were normally immune to the accent throughout the year became under its spell as the Guinness and whisky flowed. Threesomes would become regular occurrences, the 16d produced breakfast, lunch and dinner for a few men, a feat rarely accomplished. If you do not understand that analogy then shame on you! This was all down to having an accent and being slightly ballsy. Chicks dig it and we are more than happy to take full advantage.
    Girls are well aware of the powers that the accent holds. Many will question you in a bar as to whether you are really from such and such a place, ID has to be shown as proof (a passport is always a winner). Clearly, this shows that American men are well aware of the power of the accent as well, and if truth be told, some of them may be slightly jealous about it. Stories of men faking accents to get girls are common place, and I’ll be honest I have faked an accent before in my home country just to see the effect (it worked). I have nearly been in a couple of fights because girls will talk to me and my friends over American guys just because I have an accent, in that situation the superpower is a curse.
    At the end of the day the accent is an enigma, harking back to the beginning one of the other things that bothered me was not knowing how things work. Why is it that I have been blessed with such a superpower? What is it that makes women go weak at the knees at the dulcet tones of a Scottish, Irish and occasionally an English accent? Why do certain girls only go after guys with accents and do you grow out of it? Why do I automatically pay more attention to a girl when I hear that Georgia peach accent? Questions I am not sure I will ever find an answer to but right now I am happy with my superpower and the advantages that it gives me over the mere mortals.

Love, 

Anonymous

Confessions From A Former Hopeless Romantic

Dear Thirteen-Year-Old Me,


You've just started dating. Yes, be proud. Most parents don't even let their kids do that until they are way older and better equipped to emotionally handle the inevitable rejection and jealousy that comes with being immature and fumbling around blindly in this thing we call 'love.' In many ways, you are a better version of a future lover/husband/partner than I am now at 28.

Why, you ask? Well, for starters, you're still vulnerable enough to actually put energy into a relationship. Sure, in about a year you're going to have your heart ripped out, stomped on, and shoved back into your face... but, you'll now know what it means to love someone. You'll fixate on this failed relationship years later. Probably to the point that it eventually cripples you. But, hey, you will also be the first guy you know to get laid, and isn't that a worthwhile trade-off?

You still believe in love. At 28, you no longer will. A few horrible break-ups will do that to you. First will be the girl in college you told that you needed a break to figure out the shit in your head. You'll want her back. You will never get her back. You'll be too cautious with your heart that you'll miss out on chances you should have taken. Take those chances.

You still believe in romance. At 28, you no longer will. At 16, you'll write poetic love letters detailing your heart's every desire. If any of your football buddies found these, they would ridicule you to no end. At 20, you'll write poems. You'll never share these. They will be too raw and personal that you'll fear what others might say about them. At 28, you'll be numb. Write the letters, because years later you'll wish you had kept doing it.

You believe true love is the greatest thing worth chasing. That it is the most important thing we can do with our lives. At 28, you'll constantly put your career before every single relationship. Including the first girl you actually truly believed you wanted to marry. After you breakup, you'll spend a year cursing yourself for not putting her first, and looking back and wondering why you didn't just go dancing with her more, because you are self-conscious about your dance skills, your body and that you think you're not good enough for her. Dance, like no one else is watching.

You still believe in grand gestures. At 28, you'll be tired even trying to imagine ever needing a grand gesture because every asshole with an art degree and a Handy-cam will have maxed out the Internet with romance porn. Flash mob proposal? Children's choir in Central Park? Name it, it'll probably have already been done.

Emotional pain will make you cry. Soon. Believe me. You'll hide it from people because you think it makes you weak but at 28, you won't even remember the last time you shed a tear. Especially when it pertains to a relationship. Your girlfriend (and soon-to-be ex) will say it's because your relationship lacks passion. You'll say it's just because you're more mature now than you used to be. Cry if you need to, and don't be ashamed (even if it's while watching The Notebook).

You're afraid to ask girls out in person. This one you don't have to worry about. At 28, you'll get to do all of this with your phone and a little thing called Facebook messenger. It'll make us all callous and tear down any boundaries we might have... then again, maybe that's not something that's good at 28 either. Ask the pretty girls out. And if/when they say no, just tell yourself they're all whores and you're too good for them.

You used to dream in fairy tales. That you’d meet a girl in college, fall in love, graduate, and marry her. You’d have kids by 25 or 26. A house. A dog. By 28, you’ll question the entire idea of marriage. After your best friend gets divorced and married twice. After your boss gets divorced. After your grandfather starts online dating. After a close friend breaks up with his live-in girlfriend. You’ll realize driving to work one day that you’ll never be married for 50 years like your grandparents were. You’ll be closing in on 30, still single, and you’ll realize that you probably won’t live to be 80, which means the window for marrying someone and lasting 50 years will become an antique ideal you likely will never achieve. There’s nothing you can do about that, and it’s not worth trying to. Shit will happen when it’s supposed to happen... But, you will get a really kick-ass dog.

Don't ever stop being 13, least in your heart. It's the only time you'll ever be truly honest with yourself... at least, until it's too late to be honest. Keep these few life lessons in mind and you'll probably be just fine. Girls like guys who can be manly but still in touch with their emotions at 28. Stay a child in your heart and the rest will take care of itself.

Love,
Anonymous