Friends With Benefits

Just like the movie, it always sounds better than it ends up being. But why is that? Can it really work and, if so, how? We here at Love, Anonymous would like to explore the topic through several entries and to kick it off, we've got a 35,000 foot view from each gender (both hetero, although we're not sure if that matters). We'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the topic as well. Hit us up here or in the comments on FB!

 Where it all begins...

 HER POV

Here’s the female perspective (aka – my perspective and I’m female) on friends with benefits (FWB).  Yes, that satisfactory moniker for the grey area that many of us have fallen into or considered at some point in our adult lives. 

It sucks.  Here's why...

There are many reasons why we trip and fall into FWB world – circumstance, loneliness, distraction, love, uncertainty, co-dependency, good sex, (add your own; I’m sure you will in the comments anyways).  Mine was circumstance/timing, good sex, and loneliness/lack of better options.  

There were many reasons why FWB was awesome.  Primarily, sex!  Sex with someone I liked, could hang out with, and be comfortable around!  Then there was that “being in a relationship without really being in a relationship” thing.  It was the best of both worlds.  I was riding a unicorn on a double rainbow. 

At some point, FWB turned into that really awkward plateau phase when I wanted something more than sex and I couldn’t decide if I wanted it with my FWB.  FWB was my buddy!  We communicated A LOT.  FWB gave me great advice, listened when I was down, and then went down on me.  I genuinely liked my FWB and felt we were kindred spirits.  Why was my decision to “commit” so hard?  

Irrational behavior eventually set in.  I got angry that it took FWB longer than normal to respond to my communications.  FWB’s name frequently came up in conversations with my friends.  Magically, every event/article that crossed my path was one they would love and I needed to share with them.  I checked their FB page and wondered what they were doing when they weren’t with me.  I put on a brave face. I spoke to them about who they were dating.  I even suggested people for them to date.  I, of course, dated as well.  Sometimes FWB was in the back of my mind.  I may have even compared dates to FWB. 

With time the grey area dichotomized.  It came down to this: either we were perfect for each other and neither of us had the gusto or self-actualization to fulfill on our happiness OR it was time to listen to mother intuition when she screamed "No no, hell no, not them NOT THEM" into my every conscious thought/action.  

I finally came to the pungent realization that being a FWB had never given me the satisfaction of having/being a true friend.  FWB and I were not as open (amongst other things) with each other as I was with my platonic friends.  Also, the “grey area” was nowhere near what I would expect from a significant other.  So, in trying to have both, I actually received neither.  

That is not fulfilling.  That is friends with benefits...

HIS POV

First, let's just get one quick thing out of the way: Friends with Benefits is just another phrase used to describe an amorphous relationship situation. Rest assured that whatever situation you can set up, there will be people who think you're actually dating your friend and others who might say "You only see each other to have sex. That's actually called fuck buddies." Whatever, right? For my purposes it's sex with the expectation that it will not evolve into a relationship.

You know the cliche "Man makes plans, God laughs"? Well when it comes to FWB, "Your brain makes plans, your heart laughs." For as much as you may plan and make rules to try and keep things chill, your heart might not listen. And that leads us to the single most important rule for making any FWB situation work:

BE EMOTIONALLY AWARE AND HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIEND.

That's it, but it's also damn hard. And it's no guarantee that everything stays just the way you want. Even the most emotionally in-touch people can't predict how their feelings will change over time. But at least they can be aware of it and keep their partners apprised of the changes and modify or end the FWB relationship before people get too hurt. That's the kind of emotional ninja shit that allows more complicated relationships (e.g. polyamory) to successfully work. And if you're at that point, then good on you. You can stop reading here and go enjoy being evolved and shit. And you probably don't even feel superior to us. Asshole.

For the rest of us, there is a lot more risk to FWB relationships, but there are some good rules of thumb to be aware of when considering FWB. First, some people are just better suited for FWB relationships than others. For example, people who are emotionally unavailable in some way are better at separating sex and emotion. This emotional unavailability could be due to a recent breakup (aka: rebound), imminent move to a distant location (aka: expiration-dating or fuck-it list) and people who are skilled at burying feelings or being emotionally distant in some other way (aka: men [I kid, but only a little]). But other people who deny or are unaware of their changing feelings while in a FWB relationship are a ticking time-bomb. A great example of this is the person who wants more than FWB, but agrees to FWB because they're unaware of their feelings or secretly hoping for more. Dangerous. Those feelings build up and if they aren't reciprocated when they finally surface... BOOM! Emotional explosion and drama all over the place. It's unfortunate, but that's what happens sometimes when you play with dynamite.

You know what can also happen when you play with dynamite? SEX WITH DYNAMITE, DUH! Kind of the whole point, really. And let's be honest, ANY friendship runs the risk of unreciprocated romantic feelings developing. At least in FWB you get the benefits, right?!?! So despite the Debbie-Downerness above, FWB can rock. And with a little foresight and caution, you can increase the odds of it rocking. So go forth, be open and honest, and rock on!