Just like the movie, it always sounds better than it ends up being. But why is that? Can it really work and, if so, how? We here at Love, Anonymous would like to explore the topic through several entries and to kick it off, we've got a 35,000 foot view from each gender (both hetero, although we're not sure if that matters). We'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the topic as well. Hit us up here or in the comments on FB!
Where it all begins...
HER POV
Here’s the female perspective (aka – my
perspective and I’m female) on friends with benefits (FWB). Yes, that
satisfactory moniker for the grey area that many of us have fallen into or
considered at some point in our adult lives.
It sucks. Here's why...
There are many reasons why we trip and fall
into FWB world – circumstance, loneliness, distraction, love, uncertainty,
co-dependency, good sex, (add your own; I’m sure you will in the comments
anyways). Mine was circumstance/timing,
good sex, and loneliness/lack of better options.
There were many reasons why FWB was
awesome. Primarily, sex! Sex with someone I liked, could hang out
with, and be comfortable around! Then there was that “being in a
relationship without really being in a relationship” thing. It was the
best of both worlds. I was riding a
unicorn on a double rainbow.
At some point, FWB turned into that really
awkward plateau phase when I wanted something more than sex and I couldn’t
decide if I wanted it with my FWB. FWB
was my buddy! We communicated A
LOT. FWB gave me great advice, listened
when I was down, and then went down on me.
I genuinely liked my FWB and felt we were kindred spirits. Why was my decision to “commit” so
hard?
Irrational behavior eventually set in.
I got angry that it took FWB longer than normal to respond to my communications. FWB’s name frequently came up in
conversations with my friends. Magically, every event/article that
crossed my path was one they would love and I needed to share with them. I checked their FB page and wondered what
they were doing when they weren’t with me. I put on a brave face. I
spoke to them about who they were dating. I even suggested people for
them to date. I, of course, dated as
well. Sometimes FWB was in the back of
my mind. I may have even compared dates to FWB.
With time the grey area dichotomized.
It came down to this: either we were perfect for each other and neither of us
had the gusto or self-actualization to fulfill on our happiness OR it was time
to listen to mother intuition when she screamed "No no, hell no, not them
NOT THEM" into my every conscious thought/action.
I finally came to the pungent realization
that being a FWB had never given me the satisfaction of having/being a true
friend. FWB and I were not as open (amongst other things) with each other as I was with my
platonic friends. Also, the “grey area” was nowhere near what I would
expect from a significant other. So, in trying to have both, I actually received neither.
That is not fulfilling. That is friends with benefits...
HIS POV
First, let's just get one quick thing out of the way: Friends with
Benefits is just another phrase used to describe an amorphous
relationship situation. Rest assured that whatever situation you can set
up, there will be people who think you're actually dating your friend
and others who might say "You only see each other to have sex. That's
actually called fuck buddies." Whatever, right? For my purposes it's sex
with the expectation that it will not evolve into a relationship.
BE EMOTIONALLY AWARE AND HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIEND.
That's
it, but it's also damn hard. And it's no guarantee that everything
stays just the way you want. Even the most emotionally in-touch people
can't predict how their feelings will change over time. But at least
they can be aware of it and keep their partners apprised of the changes
and modify or end the FWB relationship before people get too hurt.
That's the kind of emotional ninja shit that allows more
complicated relationships (e.g. polyamory) to successfully work. And if
you're at that point, then good on you. You can stop reading here and go
enjoy being evolved and shit. And you probably don't even feel superior
to us. Asshole.
For the rest of us, there is a lot more risk to FWB
relationships, but there are some good rules of thumb to be aware of
when considering FWB. First, some people are just better suited for FWB
relationships than others. For example, people who are emotionally
unavailable in some way are better at separating sex and emotion. This
emotional unavailability could be due to a recent breakup
(aka: rebound), imminent move to a distant location (aka: expiration-
You know what can also happen when you play with
dynamite? SEX WITH DYNAMITE, DUH! Kind of the whole point, really. And
let's be honest, ANY friendship runs the risk of unreciprocated romantic
feelings developing. At least in FWB you get the benefits,
right?!?! So despite the Debbie-Downerness above, FWB can rock. And with
a little foresight and caution, you can increase the odds of it
rocking. So go forth, be open and honest, and rock on!
